The first step to adopting a new pattern for relationships is to recognize what your current pattern is. Take a moment and go through all of your past romantic escapades. What similarities and trends do you notice? Look not only at your partners, but how you related to them. What caused them to end? Next, take a moment to clarify what it is that you want in a relationship. Pay particular attention to the aspects that have repeatedly be unfulfilled by your previous partners. Now before you go any further, you should determine whether that is a fair expectation. Sometimes we hold others responsible for filling our needs, yet it is impossible for another person to fill that need. If it is beyond another’s ability to fill that need for you, then you will have to let it go. You must first find it within yourself, or else any relationship you enter into is likely to fail just as your past ones have. If it is a legitimate quality or aspect for a lover to possess, then hold on to that. Draw up a list of those legitimate qualities and compile a picture of what your ideal partner would be like. And no, I do not mean their physicality. I mean what emotional and personality qualities would you insist upon.
And then ask yourself, “Would this person be attracted to me as I am right now?” Answer this question with all honesty. And don’t fixate on things like, “I am too short/tall. I am too heavy/shapeless. I am not a model.” Again, we are looking for ideal partners, not ideal looking partners. It is only when we seek materialistic, superficial people that we need worry about the superficial, material aspects of ourselves. Now this also implies that we cannot hold-out for a “Perfect 10” in regards to looks, because we are not “Perfect 10’s” ourselves. But take comfort in knowing that physical attributes add nothing to a deep, emotional connection that we are seeking. No, what I mean when I say “would this person be attracted to me right now?” is would your ideal partner be attracted to the kind of person that you are? You may find that there are a few aspects about your personality that require tweaking.
I can hear some of you right now. “I am perfect. If they can’t love me for who I am, then I don’t want them.” Yes, I even saw your eyebrows rise and your hand snap in the “talk-to-my-hand-cause-my-face-don’t-wanna-hear-it” gesture. But let’s for a moment drop any defense mechanisms- after all, they haven’t really been working too well for us so far have they? Remember that definition of insanity? We are talking about lifting ourselves to a level of sustained emotional engagement. The reality is that right now, YOU ARE PERFECT…for getting what you have right now. And if you want more, if you want something you have not had, then you have to be willing to become something you have not been. This does not mean that who you have been is wrong. It simply means that it was not the ideal way to go about getting what you really want. And more importantly, who you were was perfect for bringing you to the place that you are now. In this space that your emotional triumphs and tribulations has led you to, you are ideally suited to transform into the person who can achieve that deep, meaningful relationship that you so dearly yearn for. And usually, it only requires a minor shift of perspective; a slight alteration to the way that we think and feel about the people and environment around us.