What did you just say to your child?

Have you ever taken a moment to listen to your child while they are playing?  I often catch myself hiding behind a doorway, while my daughter is playing pretend with her toys.  Although I have to fight the thought that I am acting like a stalker, I am always amazed by what comes out of her mouth.  It is through these few moments of stealth that I can hear the world through her mutterings. 

Of course not all of the things our children repeat are ours.  Some things they pick up are from teachers.  Some are from their friends at school.  My wife and I debate over who gets to claim some of the things out of our daughters mouth.  But in general it is pretty easy to differentiate who those phrases are coming from.  But here’s the catch, when listening to your child, don’t bust in and interrupt them.  Just listen. Then go back and reflect on what came out of her mouth.  Those words of “pretend time” eventually become your child’s Self-Talk, so if you find it negative, then now is the time to alter how we communicate.

Here are a few tips on what we can try:

1. Instead of simply telling your child “NO” or what they can’t do, tell them what they CAN do.  If I tell you, “don’t think of an elephant” your mind is likely to fixate on elephants.  However, if you are thinking of an elephant, and I suggest that you “think of a zebra,” then the mind can quickly and easily alter its focus.
2. Teach your children “Why”.  I know this can be impractical at times.  And certainly there are times when it is inappropriate or dangerous to have to get into the “Why’s” of what we want our children to do.  That being said, explaining “Why” helps our children see the larger picture.  It helps instill a bigger perspective that will help them later in their life.  This is particularly the case in learning situations…and as a child, every situation is a learning situation.  I know that there are some of you who will scoff at explaining yourself or a situation to your child, as if it is somehow beneath you as the authority.  I would merely as if you are trying to raise a drone, or a leader, and leave it at that.
3. Instill a scientific mindset of exploration.  Demonstrate how to explore and problem solve with your child.  If your daughter or son comes to you with an issue, then help talk them through how to resolve it.  I know that this takes more time and energy than simply fixing it for them (or simply ignoring them-can’t we put down our video game for one minute?), but consider it a time investment.  Those moments we invest now, will be time saved down the road once they learn to solve their own issues.  And it is certainly better than having to clean up some crazy teenage mess.
4. Tell your child how brilliant they are.  By constantly telling your child how kind, intelligent, strong, and beautiful they are, they will begin to believe it.  Point it out to them when they demonstrate those traits and the reinforcement strengthens the belief.  This is the kind of Self-Talk we can program into our children that will have a positive lasting impact.  By arming our children with an arsenal of positive self-beliefs, we can hope to protect them against the barrage of peer-pressure and image advertising they will face later in life.  Besides, nothing will make you more proud than when your child tells her Snow White doll, “Good!  You are soooo smart!”