Mindful Measures

What American Idol can teach us about How our Emotions Pace Music

2011-03-03T12:25:00.000-08:00

So it’s that time of year again. And whether you have been anxiously awaiting your opportunity to cast your lots for your favorite American Idol contestant or not, there is always something that can be learned from the smash hit show. Hopefully we can illustrate not only how we can use music to control our state of mind, but also what our singing faves should be doing in order to remain in the competition for the top American Idol.

As I sat watching the first episode of American Idol, I was left to wonder...why on Earth would anyone choose to sing a slow ballad. Granted, we do not ever want to see a faster song done poorly. But come on! If your song selection doesn’t move us in a positive direction, then your phone lines are going to be quieter than my daughter sneeking a few games on my iPhone. And I can guarantee she is not voting your behalf. Here’s the danger of picking a slow ballad: If you end up following someone who just did a decent job with a fast song, you’re hosed! A fast song lifts the emotional and mental state of the audience. A slow song by contrast will bring the audience back down. You never want to bring down an audience that is supposed to be “inspired” in order to vote for you. At best, you can hope to follow another ballad who either a)followed a fast song or b)was really pitchy Dawg ( btw, I love the “Randy-as-Simon” thing they are trying).

A far better strategy is to pick a song that is a faster pace and moves the audience. If you follow a slow song, your song will seem uplifting relative to the slower tempo of the previous ballad. And if you follow a fast song, at least your lips were not preoccupied with the “kiss of death” so that they could perform the song to the best of your ability. Now of course, nobody likes a manic performance American Idol, so contestants shouldn’t pick something too fast pace. And it IS a singing competition, so yes you still better be able to sing. But does tempo really affect the listener and if so, how can we use this to take control of our state of mind?

Lets look briefly at a couple examples that illustrate this.

To start off the show, Clint Jun Gamboa performed a version of “Superstition” by Stevie Wonder. As fans of the show, we like to see it kick off hoppin’, and that song certainly bounces. His choice of song however would have allowed him to perform at any point of the night, and come across to the fans in a positive uplifting manner. The next performer, Jovany Barreto performed the ballad, “I’ll Be” which has to be a “kiss of death” regardless of how well you can sing it. It serves as a perfect example to my previous point that whenever a slow ballad follows a hopping song, it inevitably results in a let-down for the audience which is sure to garner only a few votes from his closest family and friends. So Jun got the audience going, and Jovany lets them down. But the next performer Jordan Dorsey chose a slightly faster rendition of an Usher song, “OMG.” Interestingly enough, though his performance was infinitely inferior to Jovany’s version of “I’ll Be” it comes across with less negative impact because the audience was already brought down by Jovany. If Jordan survives, he will owe Jovany the best dinner he has ever eaten- and based on Jovany’s build, the boy can eat!

Now let’s look at what happens when you pick a fast song. Half way through the show Scotty McCreery performed a Tim McGraw classic that you’ll have to forgive me for not knowing enough about Country Music to know the title of. Again another example of a singer safe doing a ballad because he followed another let-down ballad. He is followed by a mediocre (though the judges appreciated it) version of Bruno Mars “Just the Way You Are” sung by Stefano Langone. I was unimpressed; however I have to admit I was uplifted and felt more awake and refreshed because his song choice had a quicker pacing.

And for heaven’s sake, pick a song that represents the kind of artist you want to be - unless you’re hoping to be a ballad singer.

We could whip out any number of studies that have been done that illustrate that the tempo of music affects our state of mind. But this would be pointless, because each of us already has some personal experience with this. We have all heard the pounding rhythm of a techno beat and felt our heart and brain pick up its pace. Whether you were experiencing an irritated lift or a joyous one akin to a Night at the Roxbury, you probably felt your hearbeat quicken, your blood pressure rise, and your mental acuity increase. Perhaps you have had the luxury of a massage in a spa - certainly they were playing a slow paced New Age piece that quickly caused your mind, body and emotions to relax. And I assure you that you will never hear a Barry Manilow classic if you are at a football or hockey game. Instead you will be blasted with the loudest version of some rock, pop, or techno song designed to get you geeked out of your mind. So how can we use this information to improve our lives?

Well, it’s all about taking control. Say you are trying to wake up and get going in the morning. Well, while it might be soothing to awaken to soft, melodic songs, you will probably want to shift gears once you crawl out of bed and put on something that is a faster pace. The genre of music is not too important, but the tempo is critical. Ideally you would want to build up to something that makes you want to dance...or cheer on your favorite team (though this will probably annoy the heck out of your spouce). On the otherhand, if you find yourself needing to relax and unwind, then you should pick a slower paced song. Perhaps a slow ballad, some slower baroque pieces, or yes even spa music works.

Tired of the Same Lover Over and Over?

2011-02-08T08:08:00.000-08:00

The first step to adopting a new pattern for relationships is to recognize what your current pattern is. Take a moment and go through all of your past romantic escapades. What similarities and trends do you notice? Look not only at your partners, but how you related to them. What caused them to end? Next, take a moment to clarify what it is that you want in a relationship. Pay particular attention to the aspects that have repeatedly be unfulfilled by your previous partners. Now before you go any further, you should determine whether that is a fair expectation. Sometimes we hold others responsible for filling our needs, yet it is impossible for another person to fill that need. If it is beyond another’s ability to fill that need for you, then you will have to let it go. You must first find it within yourself, or else any relationship you enter into is likely to fail just as your past ones have. If it is a legitimate quality or aspect for a lover to possess, then hold on to that. Draw up a list of those legitimate qualities and compile a picture of what your ideal partner would be like. And no, I do not mean their physicality. I mean what emotional and personality qualities would you insist upon.

And then ask yourself, “Would this person be attracted to me as I am right now?” Answer this question with all honesty. And don’t fixate on things like, “I am too short/tall. I am too heavy/shapeless. I am not a model.” Again, we are looking for ideal partners, not ideal looking partners. It is only when we seek materialistic, superficial people that we need worry about the superficial, material aspects of ourselves. Now this also implies that we cannot hold-out for a “Perfect 10” in regards to looks, because we are not “Perfect 10’s” ourselves. But take comfort in knowing that physical attributes add nothing to a deep, emotional connection that we are seeking. No, what I mean when I say “would this person be attracted to me right now?” is would your ideal partner be attracted to the kind of person that you are? You may find that there are a few aspects about your personality that require tweaking.

I can hear some of you right now. “I am perfect. If they can’t love me for who I am, then I don’t want them.” Yes, I even saw your eyebrows rise and your hand snap in the “talk-to-my-hand-cause-my-face-don’t-wanna-hear-it” gesture. But let’s for a moment drop any defense mechanisms- after all, they haven’t really been working too well for us so far have they? Remember that definition of insanity? We are talking about lifting ourselves to a level of sustained emotional engagement. The reality is that right now, YOU ARE PERFECT…for getting what you have right now. And if you want more, if you want something you have not had, then you have to be willing to become something you have not been. This does not mean that who you have been is wrong. It simply means that it was not the ideal way to go about getting what you really want. And more importantly, who you were was perfect for bringing you to the place that you are now. In this space that your emotional triumphs and tribulations has led you to, you are ideally suited to transform into the person who can achieve that deep, meaningful relationship that you so dearly yearn for. And usually, it only requires a minor shift of perspective; a slight alteration to the way that we think and feel about the people and environment around us.

Lick Your Love-Rut for Good!

2011-02-03T08:38:00.000-08:00

Is your love life in a rut? Do you find yourself going out on dates with the same kind of person over and over again? On the surface, they may look different. They may do their hair differently, or be a few inches taller or shorter, perhaps different color eyes; but ultimately whom they are, how they act, how they treat you always seems to be the same? Do you keep embarking on the same relationship over and over, even though your partners change? As I have written about in previous blogs, this is because we tend to keep seeking out other people to fill some need we have within ourselves. In this article, I will let you in on a little secret about why it is so hard for us to seek out new solutions to filling those needs.

There’s a very popular quote going around right now that “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.” And as it pertains to relationships, many of us are clinically insane. Sure, we may abandon one relationship with John to engage in new one with Michael, but the patterns are the same. At first we are enamored by the thrill of “getting to know” our new romantic interest. Sure there is a lot of excitement that stems from new discovery. And unfortunately some people become addicted to this excitement. But as time wears on, and we begin to discover fewer and fewer traits about our romantic interest, something within us begins to shift. Those habits or tendencies that they have (which we were all-to-willing to overlook in the beginning of the relationship) begin to grate on us. Why won’t he just put his nasty socks in the laundry basket? Can’t he rinse his plate before leaving it in the sink? And when, oh, when will he ever put the toilet seat back down after he uses it? Perhaps you guys wonder: When will she learn to put the seat back up in the middle of the night, so she doesn’t have to complain about me peeing on the toilet seat? Either way, you get the point. Over time, as the novelty of the relationship wears off, we begin to nit-pick the habits of our lovers. Soon, and more damaging stage begins.

As we begin to habitually criticize others, we become less committed to our relationship with them. We allow ourselves to find less enjoyment out of the shared experiences. At the same time, we increase the level of frustration we experience as a result of their behaviors. This allows us to emotionally decrease our investment in the relationship so that when it inevitably ends, we will not be as traumatized. Ouch! Now we can walk away, placing the blame on them. It is only once we have accepted the end of the relationship that we can begin to look at the relationship as part of a larger pattern. That is usually when you hear yourself asking, “Why me? What’s wrong with me? Why do I keep picking guys/ladies like this?” The short answer is that there is nothing “wrong” with you. You have simply developed poor patterns as it pertains to looking for a romantic partner. While that may not be a news flash to you, it is comforting to know that you can always choose to adopt a new pattern.

Date a Dork this Valentine’s Day

2011-02-01T15:17:00.000-08:00

I was at a restaurant the other day with a business connection of mine. At the table next to us was a smoking hot woman with the most unassuming man you could imagine. Their PDA intimated that they were romantically involved, and not in a monetary sort of way. They seemed to be genuinely and deeply connected to each other. Upon seeing their intimacy, my colleague said “What’s wrong with her? She could do WAY better than that guy.”

Now I had to be very conscious about my reaction. I understood the insinuations of his statement. It was implied that physical beauty would only be happy with other physically beautify people; that an average-looking guy lacked the credentials to be with a beautiful woman; that my colleague was better looking than him, so he was more qualified to be with that woman; and hey, where was the beautiful woman that he deserved. If only they weren’t taken by guys like that.

But here’s the rub: they were genuinely happy with their relationship, while my colleague was not. For whatever reason, they had allowed themselves to discover what was TRULY important in a relationship, and they went out and found someone they could build it with. My colleague on the other hand, continued to look at superficial means to find a deep level of happiness. That’s insane! But yet it happens all of the time.

We all know people who are single, yet yearn to have a romantic partner. Whenever we try to set them up, inevitably they want to know what the other person looks like. As if how tall someone is has any bearing on whether or not they will do the dishes. As if their athletic prowess will contribute to their willingness to comfort their lover through their fears. As if their chosen brand of clothing will support their lover’s difficult life choices. And yet these are often the most significant factors as to whether the relationship will last beyond a first date.

Sure it’s trendy to state that appearances aren’t important when choosing a mate. Yet when pressed, most people claim a need to be physically attracted in order to be romantically involved. But how do we determine what we are physically attracted to?

We all have a type. One that is both socially defined, and yet also based on our personal experiences. Sometimes our type is influenced by our parents or other members of our family. Sometimes it is a result of our image of ourselves. But here’s the most interesting thing that has been discovered about sexual satisfaction:

The most influential organ for sexual satisfaction is our BRAIN!

Research has uncovered that most people fantasize during sex. And activity has as much to do with that fantasy as any visual stimulus. So if we are in our head (so to speak) during sex anyways, why not share those moments with someone whom you can actually enjoy being with when you are not engaging in sexual activities. You just might find that you can connect with them in ways that you have been previously unable to with your other romantic partners. Then watch and discover how intimately you can connect with them during sex.

I am not suggesting that you go find the most unattractive person you can and have sex with them. (Although if you do, please tell them that it was my idea and send them to my blog-I am sure they will want to thank me.) What I am saying, is first figure out what kind of partner you would need in order to have a truly meaningful relationship. Put physical appearance aside and just look at their personal characteristics. Once you find them, begin to nurture an open and honest relationship with that person. You may be delighted in the romance that buds.

How plastic is your brain? - What Neuroplasticity teaches us about our habits

2011-01-18T17:22:00.000-08:00

All of the latest breakthroughs in Neurobiology are resulting in a revolutionary view of how the brain works. Science has discovered that neurons that fire together strengthen their bond by increasing the number of synapses between them. This encourages the stimulation of one with the other.

In layman’s terms, this means that when we think of relationships between two things, or when we think about something while undertaking an activity, then these things become connected in our thoughts because they literally become hardwired together in our brains. This explains the Pavlovian experiments that result in the salivating dog.

What excites me most about this latest breakthrough is the implications regarding habits and mental world-view constructs- but more on that in a moment.

Have you ever seen the question posed in a seminar or forum, “How long does it take to change a habit?” Whenever I see that question, I always know that there is a trick question being thrown out to the audience. I have seen no conclusive scientific research to suggest one answer over another, yet people will vehemently adhere to what they have been told. 21 Days! 1 Month! In an Instant of Decision! Well sure. To some degree, all of those answers are correct. But was the question trying to figure out how long it takes to make a decision – because the most recent research suggest that we make decisions approximately 5 seconds prior to our recognition of the decision. Or is the question trying to figure out how long it takes to replace or eliminate a habit? Because that is a much more complicated issue, where the answer would depend on how long, how often and how intense the habit was. It also depends on how proactive an individual is in changing the habit.

Neuroplasticity suggests that the longer we do a habit, and the more varied experiences that we have with the habit, the more deeply ingrained it will be in our brain. The wider variety of activities in which we engaged in the habit, the more experiences the habit will be linked to (quantity). The longer and more frequently a habit was carried out, the stronger the bond will be between the linked neurons (quality). Here’s the important part: We must counteract the habit we are trying to change with new programming equal in measure. The longer and stronger a habit is, the more effort is needed to change the neurology of the brain regarding the habit. In cases where hypnosis fails, it is typically due to a failure to address the quantity and quality of synaptic connections. Hypnosis can however be effective at shifting belief paradigms that can result in eventual habit change.

There is another way to combat unwanted habits, and neuroplasticity holds the key.

Habits and beliefs can literally be adopted into or eliminated from your consciousness through proper programming. Through repetition, emotional anchoring, and increasing brain functioning we can decrease the synaptic connections (or desires) for unwanted habits, and increase the strength of synaptic connections for desired habits. The same holds true for beliefs, and the process is the same. We can witness the effects of daily visualizations.

Let’s look at an example. What would happen if we were to listen all day long to commands regarding our health habits? Eventually, and usually quickly, we notice that our desires and thoughts about food, exercise and activity all begin to shift. And shortly thereafter, without any cognitive effort, our actions begin to conform to those new desires and thoughts. Each time a command is heard, it strengthens the synaptic connections that shape our actions and mental constructs. It’s a pretty cool thing to witness, and even a cooler thing to have happen personally. It is also the gift that our clients give back to us when they share their experiences. So, if you have benefited from Mindful Measures, please tell us about your experience by commenting below. And join us on Facebook and Youtube, where your experiences, comments, and discussions are also welcome.

7 Magical Ingredients to Ensure You Keep Your New Year's Resolution

2011-01-03T12:32:00.000-08:00

Picking a New Years Resolution is to the New Years Holidays, what decorating your Christmas Tree is to Christmas. At least it is to most people. It’s that activity, which we all must do out of some sort of cultural expectation. It gives us a common conversation piece to share with other people in our lives. It allows us to fill the intimate moments of a social holiday with idle, but anxiety relieving chatter. And like the Christmas tree, decorated according to each persons taste and lifestyle, our New Years Resolutions symbolically represent our deepest hopes and desires. And yet, like our trees, they are often discarded a week after the holiday. Sure, some of us may leave the tree or resolution hanging around a few months; afraid to officially discard it, for fear of the cold darkness that fills the void once the warmth of hope is abandoned. But for the most part, the value of the tree or resolution is the sense of happiness and hope that it provides leading up to the holiday. And yet our New Years Resolutions are genuinely accomplishments that we would truly like to have come to pass. So how can we make sure that we are able to not only keep our Resolutions around, but also make sure that we achieve them as well?

Here are 7 Magical Qualities to imbue your New Years Resolutions and Annual Goals with to ensure that you are successful:

Clearly defined – Whenever we want to accomplish a task, it is important that the desired result be clearly defined. You should be able to see, feel, and hear what it will be like to achieve your New Years Resolution or annual goal. In fact, daily meditation on what successfully accomplishing your goal will be like is a great way to stay focused and inspired. You should also be clear on the time required to accomplish your goal. Your resolutions and goals needn’t be finished by year’s-end, but you need to be clear on when it will be considered completed, and how close can we get during this year.
Actionable – Your New Years Resolutions and annual goals should require you to take action in order to succeed. You must own the process and responsibility. You certainly have a stake in the desired result, so put your mind, heart and hands to work to make it happen. Often times, our goals or resolutions require us to break it down into smaller tasks that can be achieved on a closer timescale. This helps us evaluate if we are on track, as well as if there are any alterations to the execution of our plan necessary.
Emotional need filled – This is perhaps the most critical aspect of successfully achieving any goal or New Years Resolution. Any noble goal is going to require a lot of sacrifice and work. Otherwise, we wouldn’t need to make it a New Years Resolution. We could have simply changed in an instant. Amazingly enough, we can change at any instant; however we seem to have some emotional need to connect our biggest, most pressing dreams with a monumental events such as a New Year, Birthday, or other fabricated novelty. Either way, our Resolutions are big because they address some fierce emotional need within ourselves. They usually boil down to acceptance (ie: lose weight or joining a gym is usually centered around appealing more to others, although it is sometimes genuinely centered on prolonging our life so that we may continue to connect more deeply with our loved ones). So when we meditate or visualize the accomplishment of our goals, we should imbue the projection with all of the emotional gratification that will go alongside the success. Again this will help to focus and inspire us towards the desired result. This is particularly effective if the meditation occurs either first thing in the morning or the last thing in the evening. It is truly amazing how your mind will begin to explore opportunities and tools to help you achieve your desired result.
Accountability – Tell someone about it! Find someone whom you trust and you know will support you to achieve your New Years Resolution. Be leery of using someone as your accountability partner who is struggling with the task. You may encounter enough of your own discouragement along the path of success; you don’t need to take on theirs as well. If you can find someone who has successfully tackled the challenge of your resolutions, confide in them.
Seek help when needed – Often times, with our big goals or resolutions, the task can become very daunting because of the resources required - be they knowledge, time, money or tools. Resourcefulness is often required to pull together the means to accomplish our goals. Don’t discount how much power lies within asking your social and professional network for insights. Often times, they are great sources of information and tools required to succeed. Once you have found an accomplished advisor, evaluate any advice or tools that they offer and apply it in an appropriate manner.
Structural Congruency – It is important that our New Years Resolutions and annual goals be congruent with our mid-range and long-term goals. If they are not, then we can be lead away from accomplishing larger, more epic achievements. In the least, we may lose productive years, or we may even cause permanent damage to our ability to achieve our long-term goals. When we align our New Years Resolution and annual goals with our longer term goals, then we ensure that we head towards our grander purpose.
Ethical Congruency - Make sure that your New Years Resolutions and annual goals are congruent with your ideals and morals. Too often, we see people make goals that are inconsistent with their larger moral code. This dissonance can lead to a myriad of self-destructive behavior. In the least, one may find themselves sabotaging their efforts to achieve a goal. But we also see a lot of destructive avoidance habits develop as well. Ironically, these destructive habits often find themselves as future New Years Resolutions. Evaluate your goals and resolutions according to your moral code to create harmony in your life.

Now that you have made your New Years Resolution, and you are committed to taking on the coming year with a new determination, follow this guideline to make sure that your resolutions are kept. If your goals are unable to meet each of the criteria mentioned above, then alter them. It is never too late or early to make alterations to our plans. Remember, our New Years Resolutions are not written in stone. Surely they can be amended or adapted as our needs or knowledge change

From Mindful Measures, we wish much happiness and success for the New Year!

For a complete list of Mindful Measures products to help you achieve any of your New Years Resolutions or annual goals, please visit us at:

www.Mindful-Measures.com

Boost Your Brain-Power

2010-12-08T10:07:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been sitting at the table with family, when something comes on the television that causes you to whip your head around so fast that you realign your neck? This recently happened to me, while having dinner with my in-laws. They love to watch the news during dinner. Generally I ignore the news, as each time I watch it, I need to meditate on the goodness of man in order to counterbalance what the depressing reports of doom and gloom and violence.

So we were sitting there, when a report came on that spoke about increasing your brain functioning. Actually, I think it may have been some sort of marketing piece, as it was produced by Sutter Health; but hey, if it's good information, who cares if they hope to make a sale out of it, right? ;-) Anyhow, what I found most interesting is that their top 5 things to increase brain functioning are all things that Mindful Measures focuses on with our product line. Without tooting my horn any more than I have to (and you all know how much I like to toot my own horn) let's look at what they recommended:

Use It or Lose It - Sutter Health recommends that we challenge our brains in order to keep them performing optimally. They suggest puzzles, brain-teasers, learning a new language or taking a class. As the strength comes from establishing new neuro-pathways and strengthening new ones, I would also add learning new habits to that list as well.
Brain/Body Work-Out - They recommended exercising as a means of increasing blood-flow to the brain. 30 Minutes or more of aerobic exercise helps bring much needed oxygen and nutrients to the brain.
Veg Out - Sutter Health points out that the brain needs a balanced diet in order to function optimally. They recommend increasing your vegetable intake, while decreasing the amount of animal protein you eat. I generally qualify this by stating that everyone's lifestyle and work requirements are different, so you should visit a qualified nutritionist to evaluate your particular dietary habits. But certainly eating more vegetables never hurt anyone (except perhaps that guy who choked on a baby carrot).
Keep it Friendly - They pointed out that socially connected individuals are less likely to experience dementia as they get older. I would add to that, that it is our relationships with others that stimulate the emotional registrars in the mammalian part of the brain. The strategies that we employ to keep those around us happy incorporate the outer layers of the neocortex. But most importantly, by creating and nurturing healthy relationships with others, we experience more profound levels of joy and happiness which are required for optimized learning and brain functioning.
Good Chemistry - Sutter Health actually placed this as their 4th item on their list. Whether that was an attempt to tame down the self-serving nature of their video, or whether it was considered as more important than good relationships, I do not know. Their point was that feeling depressed or regularly down is often an indication of a chemical imbalance. They recommend seeking help from a qualified professional. I would as well, though I am generally reluctant to recommend prescriptive drugs to counteract the imbalance (except in rare cases for short-term results). Our brains and bodies naturally produce the bio-chemicals that we need in order to feel good, assuming we are following the rest of this list.

So there you have it. Sutter Health and Mindful Measures have been suggesting the same tips for optimal brain functioning. That's two highly qualified sources, with no agenda to sell you anything ;-). If you would like to see the Sutter Health video in full, please visit https://mylifestages.org/sites/MyLifeStages/videos/video_brain.page

If you would like to see what I have had to say on the subject, then please feel free to browse through my earlier postings and visit my Youtube Channel for Vlog posts. We will continue to provide more content, so please feel free to follow our blog, subscribe to us on Youtube and become a fan on Facebook.

What did you just say to your child?

2010-12-06T10:01:00.000-08:00

Have you ever taken a moment to listen to your child while they are playing? I often catch myself hiding behind a doorway, while my daughter is playing pretend with her toys. Although I have to fight the thought that I am acting like a stalker, I am always amazed by what comes out of her mouth. It is through these few moments of stealth that I can hear the world through her mutterings.

Of course not all of the things our children repeat are ours. Some things they pick up are from teachers. Some are from their friends at school. My wife and I debate over who gets to claim some of the things out of our daughters mouth. But in general it is pretty easy to differentiate who those phrases are coming from. But here’s the catch, when listening to your child, don’t bust in and interrupt them. Just listen. Then go back and reflect on what came out of her mouth. Those words of “pretend time” eventually become your child’s Self-Talk, so if you find it negative, then now is the time to alter how we communicate.

Here are a few tips on what we can try:

Instead of simply telling your child “NO” or what they can’t do, tell them what they CAN do. If I tell you, “don’t think of an elephant” your mind is likely to fixate on elephants. However, if you are thinking of an elephant, and I suggest that you “think of a zebra,” then the mind can quickly and easily alter its focus.
Teach your children “Why”. I know this can be impractical at times. And certainly there are times when it is inappropriate or dangerous to have to get into the “Why’s” of what we want our children to do. That being said, explaining “Why” helps our children see the larger picture. It helps instill a bigger perspective that will help them later in their life. This is particularly the case in learning situations…and as a child, every situation is a learning situation. I know that there are some of you who will scoff at explaining yourself or a situation to your child, as if it is somehow beneath you as the authority. I would merely as if you are trying to raise a drone, or a leader, and leave it at that.
Instill a scientific mindset of exploration. Demonstrate how to explore and problem solve with your child. If your daughter or son comes to you with an issue, then help talk them through how to resolve it. I know that this takes more time and energy than simply fixing it for them (or simply ignoring them-can’t we put down our video game for one minute?), but consider it a time investment. Those moments we invest now, will be time saved down the road once they learn to solve their own issues. And it is certainly better than having to clean up some crazy teenage mess.
Tell your child how brilliant they are. By constantly telling your child how kind, intelligent, strong, and beautiful they are, they will begin to believe it. Point it out to them when they demonstrate those traits and the reinforcement strengthens the belief. This is the kind of Self-Talk we can program into our children that will have a positive lasting impact. By arming our children with an arsenal of positive self-beliefs, we can hope to protect them against the barrage of peer-pressure and image advertising they will face later in life. Besides, nothing will make you more proud than when your child tells her Snow White doll, “Good! You are soooo smart!”

Reduce Holiday Stress - 10 Things You Can Do to Ensure a Happy Holiday!

2010-12-02T10:58:00.000-08:00

So the holidays are finally upon us, and already many of us are starting to feel the stress. Even for those who are not directly feeling the pangs of a tough economic environment, this time of year presents many challenges. On top of our normal load at work (and you mothers who work the “Second Shift” at home), we have our kids’ holiday parties, our office holiday parties (which should require a babysitter…lol), guests visits, holiday portraits, a home to decorate, and shopping (or gift making) for everyone under the sun. Wow! It’s exhausting just typing it all! For those who travel to visit family (bless your brave hearts) your timeline gets condensed even further. For many of us, Holiday Stress is more tangible than Santa Claus.

Of course, deep down, the holidays represent a very special time of year. Besides whatever religious meanings the holidays hold for you, it also represents a great time of coming together. A time of hunkering down with family and friends. A time of connecting deeply with those closest to us. And yet, too often, the stress of it all gets in the way of those special, and deeply meaningful moments.

So here are a few tips or tricks that we can try, in order to maintain our sanity this year.

Make your travel plans early - Remember, much of the stress we feel comes from the feeling of insufficient time to accomplish what we set out to do. Making travel arrangements early can add a strong sense of structure to the coming season. It also gives you a legitimate reason to say “No” to invitations that you might otherwise feel obligated to attend.
Keep a “Calendar of Events” – Simply having everything jotted down (or typed in) to your calendar, clearly illustrates what you do and do not have time for. The clarity of time will lead to a clarity-of-mind…and that is priceless.
Don’t look for the “Perfect Gift” – This is one that I struggle with every year. But after many decades of searching, I can assure you that there is no such thing as the “Perfect Gift.” The only thing that is Perfect is the love that is behind the gifts you give – and that part is free and abundant. Granted, some gifts may reflect a deeper understanding of the recipient, but we can never express our gratitude towards others through material means, so let’s not look for it on some shelf at Nordstrom’s or Best Buy.
Make decorating the house a fun, family bonding event; not a chore – I remember as a child, one of my favorite days of the year was the day we would decorate the house and the Christmas tree. Yes, it ranked up there with Christmas day itself – which is quite amazing considering that Christmas was the day we actually received our gifts. But there is something to be said about the joy that the Anticipation of Christmas brings. So make it fun, bust out the hot chocolate and the Christmas music, and let the kids go at it (even if it doesn’t look perfect – you can fix it after the kids go to sleep). Decorating the outside of the house…that’s a different beast all together.
Don’t over-decorate the outside of your house – It is amazing that Home Depot now has an entire aisle dedicated to external home decorations for Christmas. And I’m not talking about one of their small Pop-out aisles. They are dedicating major square footage to it. And it’s no surprise with the amount of money Americans are spending on lawn and roof decorations. Never in a million years would I have thought that everyone on the block would have a fan-powered, big-enough-to-snag-Rudolph-out-of-the-air-in-mid-flight, Santa Claus on their lawn. Who are they doing that for, anyways? Is it to impress their neighbors who already bought one? Or is it to scare off the Christmas goblin (perhaps the left-over Halloween candy is still affecting my brain functioning)? Here’s the deal, sometimes less is more. We don’t need houses confusing Southwest Airlines pilots; they already have enough to worry about. And really, the overdone house decorations really tell me more about your Ego issues than your financial status anyways. However, if you are going to go all-out on your lawn decorations, please let me know…my daughter thinks they’re pretty.
Just Say No! – I know that we all hate to “let people down,” but sometimes we have to decline an invitation. Remember that nobody wants an stressed-out, exhausted scrooge attending their holiday party, so don’t go if you have too much to do. Politely decline the invitation, and feel free to let them know that you would like too, if you had more time. And don’t worry, there will be plenty of other people who will not be able to set appropriate boundaries at their party, so your absence will most likely go unnoticed.
Don’t expect a perfect holiday picture – I know this is a tough one for many of us. Year-after-year we get those perfect holiday cards with our friends and families perfectly lined-up, sitting nicely, with Hallmark smiles on their rosy little faces. Blah! Our favorite pictures of our friends are the ones where someone is looking off in the distance, hunched-over-trying-to-escape-dad’s-gasp, and somebody either is or has been crying. Now that is real! That is something I can relate too. And let’s face it, just because someone had the stars align perfectly for that one moment that the shutter of the camera snapped the picture, that in no way means that they are any less stressed out than you, any happier than you, or any more in love with life than you.
Plan your gift purchasing adventures – Know what you want, and where you are going to go to get it. At the very least, know which store you are going to go to in order to find that “Perfect Gift” that I warned you against searching for. I get that we don’t always know what to get someone, but we should at least know what store they like to shop at. And if you don’t even know that, then frankly, you are not close enough to that person to burden yourself with the feeling of obligation-to-buy-a gift (unless that person is your boss, then you might want to get to know him a bit better- see you came for stress tips, and you get free career advice- Merry Christmas). Make sure that you make a list before leaving the house, and yes…check it twice.
Shop during off-hours – No, I don’t mean at 3AM (that’s just insane). I mean during weekdays from 10-3. Take a vacation or sick day if you have to. I discovered many years ago that the best time to shop, is when everyone else is working. You know who I saw at the mall? Guys. And some stay-at-home mothers who looked far more relaxed than the general population – which is saying something considering that they are usually the ones working twice as hard. But let me tell you, if ample parking, stocked shelves, available clerks, and short lines sound like a Christmas fantasy you would like to see-to-believe, then trust me on this. Shop during the week, when everyone else is working. And don’t forget to bring that list you made.
Limit your Gift-Exchanges – I know how great it feels to give. It is one of my deepest joys. But I have to ask myself if this is the time of year to give a gift to everyone I know. A few years ago, my wife and I started having frank conversations with many of our circles-of-friends requesting to avoid exchanging gifts for the holidays. We were amazed at how many of them were totally relieved to be free from the obligation. The conversations went like this:

Us: Hey (insert name here), we’d really love to go do (x, y, z) with you soon. You know how hectic the holidays can be though, is it ok if we catch up once the holidays have passed.

Them: Sure! We’re totally swamped, too.

Us: Oh, and when we get together, please don’t bring any holiday gifts. While we always appreciate everything you’ve done for us, we’d really rather you spend the money on your kids/family. We promise we’re doing the same. Is that cool?

Them: Totally!

See how easy it is! Ok, maybe that was a bit simplified, but you get the idea. And we have never had any awkward moments with any of them during those conversations. It has freed up time and money, and is single-handedly one of the biggest stress-relievers we have had.

Those are a few of the things that I can think of to restore sanity back to the holidays. What do you do? Please share your Stress-Relieving tips below. It’s the quickest, cheapest gift you can give this Holiday Season.

Educational Christmas Gifts for Kids

2010-11-28T23:17:00.000-08:00

Here we are at that time of year again, when I am banging my head against the wall trying to figure out what gifts to give my kids for Christmas. As if that weren’t enough, I have to figure out what to give all of the other dear wee-ones in our life. Of course, it should be easy right. After all, millions of dollars will be spent over the course of the coming month in an effort to convince us that our kids are going to grow up emotionally scarred if we don’t give them the latest flashing-buzzing-electronic-thingie-that-will-eat-through-$50-worth-of-batteries-every-month (assuming that my child actually plays with it after New Years Day). Perhaps I am just not that gullible. Perhaps I am just not that mainstream. I like to think that my standards for gifts is higher than the spoon-fed masses – or so I tell myself in an attempt to combat the insecurities that have arisen since the Post-Thanksgiving Day advertising barrage.

Maybe its just me, but I want my gifts to be both fun and have some educational value. And I don’t mean the kind of educational value that I found as a 6 year old boy playing with a Barbie doll. You know, how to take off and put on (ok, mainly take-off) a four-snap blouse. I mean the kind of age-appropriate educational value that helps develop special skills, memory or reasoning. Maybe even something that reinforces phonics or sight-words. Perhaps arithmetic. Anything other than “B-Button” or Myspace etiquette.

So here is a quick list of some of what I believe to be top educational gifts for children. Many of them we have used with our own kids.

1. Signing Time Video Set: These videos are great for helping to teach American Sign Language to kids and their parents. Research has shown that children develop the mental ability to communicate long before they develop the required dexterity in their tongues. If you would like to eliminate many of the frustrations that lead to the two’s and three’s being “terrible,” then this is the gift for you. And unlike some of the other products on the market, these videos are teaching true ASL so the skills will be applicable beyond the childs infant years. Http://www.singingtime.com

2. LeapFrog Fridge Phonics and Fridge Words: These magnets are wonderful for teaching and reinforcing the letters of the alphabet, their sounds, and how they form basic words. And let’s face it, who doesn’t need more magnets for their refrigerator? http://shop.leapfrog.com

3. LeapFrog Learning DVD: Let’s face it, active parents occasionally need to plop their little one in front of the digital baby sitter. And if they have already mastered the Signing Time videos, then it’s time for Phonics or Math skills. And what’s even better is how the videos work hand-in-hand with the LeapFrog Fridge Magnet sets. Granted, this gift still requires them to be in front of a tv, but at least it’s better than “SpongeBob Squarepants.”

4. Insect Lore Butterfly Garden: This was given to us by a friend, and after our experience with it, we have given it to many of our friends children. Children get to witness the four of the stages of butterflies’ growth cycle. Once the butterflies emerge from the chrysalis, your child can set them free. No worries though, the Painted Lady butterfly is found throughout the US, so no need to be concerned about introducing invasive species into your local environment. The Garden comes with a poster that illustrates the various growth stages. This project provided just the opportunity I was looking for to teach my four-year-old the word “metamorphosis.” http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3979145

5. Boost Your Brain-Power: OK, I have to be upfront and cop-up to the fact that this is one of my products, but it truly is amazing! This music CD is loaded with specific classical music that increases learning ability. Due to the pacing of the songs, children (adults too) can learn up to 5x’s faster just by having the music playing while engaging in an educational activity. While the songs may be ones you are familiar with, the particular renditions used are chosen for their specific tempos. Artists include Bach, Beethoven, Vivaldi and more. http://www.mindful-measures.com/brain.php

As with all great educational toys, there simply is no substitute for parental participation. As much as we love to surround our little-ones with brainy toys, we know that they are only effective because of the time we spend down on the floor playing with them – yes, even the videos. I can’t tell you how many hours have been spent quizzing, inquiring, exploring and reiterating skills during play. And that Time, is the best – and most affordable – gift we have given our children.

Thanksgiving Day Miracle

2010-11-24T10:01:00.000-08:00

Growing up, I had always heard about the fabled, “Thanksgiving Day Miracle.” For me it was like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. While I could hear or see evidence of its existence, I never got to witness it directly.

What was wrong with me? Why had I been cheated out of the “Thanksgiving Day Miracle?” Wasn’t I good enough? I had gotten decent grades in school. I had listened to my parents – as good as any child could be expected to. I had kept my room clean – well perhaps I could have done a better job on that one. I had spent the past year standing up to bullies in my attempt to somehow assuage the afflictions of the weak and powerless. Santa and the Easter Bunny thought I had done a sufficient job to warrant their holiday gifts. Heck, even the Tooth Fairy seemed to appreciate the way I was popping teeth out of my skull. But still, I never got to witness the glory of the “Thanksgiving Day Miracle.”

In hindsight, it’s not so difficult to see the follies of my youth. How often do we attach ourselves to some unrealistic expectation of what “ought-to-be?” With my newfound maturity (ok, maturity may be a bit of a stretch), I can clearly see that I was living the “Thanksgiving Day Miracle.” For me, the “Thanksgiving Day Miracle” was that I did not need one. After all, even though my family bounced around the poverty level, we still had a home. I had a room that was my responsibility to keep clean. I had two loving parents. And I had been blessed with the ability to stand up for those who were unable to do so themselves. My “Thanksgiving Day Miracle” came to me every day of the year. I am grateful to have been blessed with an “Every Day Miracle.”

How are we each blessed? There are so many things in our lives that are worthy of our gratitude, that they often go unnoticed. For many of us, our “Thanksgiving Day Miracle” is that we take time to acknowledge some small fraction of them. Gratitude is perhaps the most critical ingredient for happiness. Let us – at least for this one day – take time to share with ourselves, and those we love, what we are thankful for.

Bejeweled: 12 Essential Life Lessons of an iPhone MMO Game:

2010-11-10T10:56:00.000-08:00

After many nights of me lying in bed trying to go to sleep, while my wife endlessly swiped away on her iPhone, she has finally convinced me to try her favorite addiction: Bejeweled 2 Blitz. For those of you who have already tried your hand (or fingers) at this narcotic, you know just how addicting the game can be. For those of you who have not yet tried it, I am not sure if I recommend it or not. I have only been playing it for one night see, and I am not sure what the long-term effects may be. However, if you would like to try it, I will give you a free sample, but you must pay me $1 each time you play thereafter. See, I did learn something from New Jack City.

If you have never played the game, it really isn’t much different from many of the other casual games out there; save that in this version, each game is only one minute, and your score will be compared with the scores of all of your Facebook friends. After one night of playing, here are some of the Life Lessons that I have picked up:

I am not nearly as brilliant as I seem to think I am. Perhaps I should not put myself up on a pedestal.
My friends are far smarter than I give them credit for. Perhaps I should tell them sometime. Unless of course, they already know, and have put themselves up on the pedestal I just vacated.
Never look at flashy lights; they are only there to distract you.
Sometimes things line up perfectly, but we just don’t see it; damn those flashy lights!
When stuck, sometimes it helps to change our depth of focus from short to long, or long to short.
Don’t fixate on color; we must be open to the full spectrum, else we miss rewarding opportunities.
While we may not be able to get a lot done in a minute, we can waste a lot of time in 60 second intervals. Be mindful of every moment.
While some playing fields may be easier to navigate than others, we must do the best with what we've been given.
Sometime it’s ok to ask for help.
Sometimes help that is offered is not the best solution.
Sometimes, we just need to put the game on hold so that we can sleep. Recovery is essential to performance.
In the end, it doesn’t matter what your score was; it’s just a game.

Cast of CBS's "The Big Bang Theory" "Exudes Confidence"

2010-11-05T09:33:00.000-07:00

It has always been a dream of mine to have something I created referenced on a major network program. I am here to tell you that Dreams Do Come True! I know you have heard me say this before, and it may have always just seemed like “positive thinking.” But last night, on my favorite tv program, The Big Bang Theory one of my goals came to fruition.

During the “Apology Insufficiency” episode of The Big Bang Theory, one of the main characters, Leonard, mentions Exude Confidence. And just as our most popular Mindful Measures program would suggest, he instantly is able to shift states and carry himself with a new Swag! It was really a great moment for me. Then later in the same episode Sheldon goes on to use Neuro Linguistic Programming to program into Howard forgiveness. Well, the NLP technique was a bit lacking, but the allusion was blatant.

It appears as though our work has caught the eye of Chuck Lorre. Frankly, I would have expected them to give the nod to “Boost Your Brain-Power,” but what they did was very fitting as well.

Do Your Perceptions affect Beliefs which affect Actions? Or is it the Other Way Around?

2010-06-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

It is so easy for us to understand how our Perceptions influence our Beliefs, our Beliefs shape our Actions, and our Actions affect our environment and thereby what we Perceive. This cycle is so culturally ingrained, that we find it embedded in our language. Perhaps you’ve heard the phrase made famous by Napoleon Hill that “What a man can Believe, he can Achieve.” And we are all familiar with the term, “seeing is believing.” Many clinical psychologists are familiar with the downward Spiral that results from the various forms of Depression. Perhaps you have even noticed something similar. But it is important to note that many of the world’s most successful people use this cycle to create truly amazing lives for themselves.

What is less well-known is that the Perception-Belief-Action cycle flows the other direction as well. That’s right. Our Beliefs also affect our Perceptions; our Perceptions influence our actions; and our Actions reinforce our Beliefs. Let’s look at this direction of the cycle in closer detail.

Let’s begin by investigating how our Beliefs affect our Perceptions. Have you ever witnessed two people watching a political speech, or a news program and come away with two completely different takes. I have seen this happen so dramatically, that the two people actually “heard” different things. Surely, there was only one broadcast, so how is this possible? Simply put, while we may experience a shared event, our Belief Structures serve as filters, causing us to emphasize some details while ignoring, or at least discounting others. And since we all have a unique combination of beliefs, it is likely that we will have a unique Perception of any given event. The critical point is that our Beliefs serve as filters, impacting our perceptions.

The next leg of the cycle is how our Perceptions affect our Actions. While it’s true that our Perceptions affect our Actions only inasmuch as what our Belief Structures say about our observations, we must recognize that many of those Beliefs are held at a very subconscious level. The more subconscious the Belief is held, the more unconscious the Action becomes. Indeed, the deeper or more subconscious the Belief is, the shorter time occurs between Perception and Action. And in most cases the Belief is held buried sufficiently to allow for instantaneous reaction to an observation. Reflexes serve as a good example. In these instances, we no longer need to take into account the Belief- we can simply address the Perception to Action link. Let’s look at an example. If you were standing on the side of a road, and a car flipped over and started tumbling towards you, you would instinctually run away. You would not stand there analyzing your beliefs about the possible impact of being struck by a half –ton vehicle. You would move directly from the Perception to Action. In training new behavior, we can do the same thing, often times circumventing or ignoring altogether a client’s Belief Structure.

Now Let’s look at Actions shaping our Beliefs. I want to use an example that is familiar among addiction specialists. We notice that as a drug user continues to abuse drugs, he begins to adopt a belief that his misuse of drugs is inevitable. It is important to note that it is not the Perception of the drug use that generates this belief, because the Perception is being altered by the drug use. Rather it is the Action of abusing the drug, or the recollection of the drug experience (and thinking is an Active process) that shapes the Belief of the inevitability of addictive behavior. This phenomenon is not isolated to drug and alcohol use. Most of our frequently repeated actions directly influence what we believe about ourselves and others. “I help others, therefore I am generous.” “I am smart because I read nightly.” “I smile to others, therefore I am friendly and outgoing.” These are all examples of Actions affecting our Beliefs irrespective of the Perception of the generating Action.

Most therapist and councilors focus on the PerceptionàBeliefàAction Cycle as occurring in that order only, and this has dramatic influence over what kinds of therapeutic approaches they take in helping their clients make breakthroughs. However, once we recognize that the cycle flows the other direction as well (BeliefsàPerceptionsàActionsàBeliefs) we can be open to a whole new line of approaches for facilitating life-changing results.

Celebrate our Veterans by offering them your support!

2010-05-31T12:57:00.000-07:00

During this Memorial Day Holiday, it is important that we, as a culture, show appreciation towards our military veterans and active duty service men and women. But it is even more important that each of us take personal responsibility for the veterans in our lives. One of the most common fears of returning veterans is that of losing their loved ones respect and affection as a result of their wartime experiences. So if you have a veteran in your life, take this opportunity to tell them that you love them unconditionally.

If you or anyone you know who served during wartime is experiencing any of the following symptoms, have them seek counseling immediately:

· Talking about wanting to hurt or kill oneself

· Trying to get pills, guns, or other ways to harm oneself

· Talking or writing about death, dying or suicide

· Hopelessness

· Rage, uncontrolled anger, seeking revenge

· Acting in a reckless or risky way

· Feeling trapped, like there is no way out

· Saying or feeling there's no reason for living.

For immediate suicide prevention help, call

1-800-273-TALK, Veterans Press 1

For those seeking more information regarding suicide help, counseling, or other services offered by the Veterans Affairs you may visit the following website:

http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/index.asp

After extensive research on the effects of wartime service on the mental health and well-being of our veterans, Mindful Measures is developing a program specifically to help veterans reaclimate to civilian living. In the meantime, veterans will find the following programs useful:

Live in Joy

Cultivate Deeper Relationships

Reduce Stress

While these programs are great for creating quick shifts in clients perspectives and habits, they are not meant as a substitute for immediate suicide prevention. If you or someone you love is experiencing suicidal urges, please seek immediate professional suicide prevention counseling!

Are You Being Secretly Controlled?

2010-04-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

When most people refer to subliminal messaging, they are usually referring to written statements flashed on a screen for fractions of second, during a commercial or propaganda piece. This technique was used by the Nazis during World War II. It was also popular in American advertising during the 50’s and 60’s. The effectiveness of this particular form of subliminal messaging is questionable. Research has shown varying results, and no firm conclusion can be made regarding the efficacy of this technique.

The term "subliminal" refers to a stimulus that occurs below the conscious surface of the mind. Hence it is not restricted to written statements flashed on a screen. It also includes auditory statements delivered at decibel levels below conscious hearing. Similar to flashes of visual stimulus, this form of subliminal messaging is also questionable in regards to its efficacy.

There is another form of subliminal messaging which is proving to be quite effective. It is currently being used by psychologists, Neuro Linguistic Programming practitioners, and salespeople all over the world. While other forms of auditory subliminal messaging are required to be delivered below the volume of conscious hearing, this version is performed at blatantly audible levels. There are various techniques involved in this form of subliminal messaging. For an in depth study, please refer to the book, Guide to Trance-formation by Richard Bandler. The technique that I have found most useful when reprogramming Self-Talk is the use of an embedded commands.

Embedded commands are individual instructions contained within a larger sentence or phrase. If constructed properly they would stand on their own as a sentence. When delivered properly they speak directly to the subconscious mind while the larger phrase addresses the conscious mind. When used while programming new Self-Talk, embedded commands are highly effective at creating new perspectives, thought patterns, and habits. For more information on how to create, use, and improve your embedded commands, please check back for future posts.

Simple Mind Trick for Lent

2010-02-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

While it is traditionally a Catholic observance, the participation in the observance of Lent is beginning to expand beyond the Catholic sect. The transcendence of the Lent practices from Catholicism into the mainstream culture, suggests that there may be real benefits to sacrifice. In an effort to avoid stirring up any religious controversy, I will avoid addressing the theological reasons for Lent. Fortunately there are several mundane benefits to giving-up habits that we enjoy.

Some things that we enjoy are unhealthy and carry with them negative side-effects. It is obvious why those habits should be avoided. Some habits may be neither healthy nor unhealthy. We may even receive benefits from temporarily abstaining from those habits. Proactively changing your habits builds confidence. It gives one a sense of power and control. It also builds skills that can be used to change unhealthy habits. If nothing else it teaches us to be mindful.

Many of us become attached to the joy that we receive when we indulge in some behavior. It may be the pleasure of our favorite chocolate bar. It may be the relief we receive from smoking. It may be the attention we get when we dress a certain way. Each of these examples-in fact any example you could come up with-carries with it some psychologically gratifying experience. Once we recognize the experience that we're seeking, then the act of sacrifice becomes much simpler. The trick of Lent becomes one of substitution rather than abstinence.

It is much easier for the brain to engage in a new behavior than it is to simply avoid an unwanted behavior. If we look at the benefits we receive from the unwanted behavior, we can seek out new behaviors that will also deliver that same benefit. By engaging in the new behavior we can circumvent our need to engage in the unwanted behavior. This is a technique that is becoming increasingly utilized by psychologist and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioners. It is also the reason why Mindful Measures programs focus on developing new healthy habits for its clients. So, this year for Lent, choose a difficult habit to avoid, and substitute it with a healthy alternative. I would love to hear about your success.

Valentine's Day Attitude of Gratitude

2010-02-08T16:22:00.000-08:00

We all want to find that perfect Valentine's gift. We hope to convey those inexpressible feelings that we have. This time of year, we are lead to believe that if we fail to do so, we will be inadequate. Somehow that means out relationship is doomed to failure.

According to the Forest Institute of professional psychology, the divorce rate for first marriages is 50%. The divorce rate is even higher for second in third marriages; being 67% and 74% respectively. There are several possible conclusions we can draw from this. The first of which is that only half of marriages are bound by a firm commitment. Or perhaps the successful partnerships were clearer on what they needed from a spouse prior to getting married (see my previous blog, "First Find Love Within Yourself”). I prefer to believe however, that most unsuccessful marriages fail due to a lack of relational skills - the divorce rates for second and third marriages bear this out. So then, what skills are necessary to nourish a healthy relationship?

Perhaps the most important skill for people to have any successful partnership is empathy-the ability to see oneself in others. Empathy is at the heart of tolerance and forgiveness. It is also at the heart of appreciation; as it is the Valentine’s season it is this virtue that I wish to emphasize.

Over the past several decades Valentine's Day has become increasingly commercialized. It seems as though, as each year passes, we are led to believe that our appreciation for our loved ones can only be demonstrated by the purchase of seasonal consumables. We are bombarded by the message that, "your affection can only be expressed through giving your loved-one our extravagant box of chocolates, $100 bouquet, or diamond ring." But do these purchases really show our love, or do they merely demonstrate our propensity to spend? Some might argue that the poor man who picks up a second job in order to afford to take his wife out to dinner demonstrates a higher level of love than the rich man who blindly charges a diamond necklace to his debit card. To me this poor man demonstrates a deeper level of appreciation, because he is sacrificing more of himself in order to create and share an emotionally impactful experience. It is very likely that he is given more thought to what his partner would appreciate. By emphasizing the wants and needs of his wife, the poor man has related to her on a much deeper level.

Surely appreciation entails more than the giving of material objects. Indeed, the giving of gifts without the sense of appreciation behind them, seems hollow and manipulative. And if your appreciation is genuine, then no gift is necessary. When we cultivate gratitude towards others within our heart, it beams outwards. It reflects in our facial expressions and body language. It shines through our actions. It fills our words with genuine emotion.

How then can we cultivate an attitude of gratitude? By actively recognizing the positive traits of others, by praising others for their actions, and by openly demonstrating our love we cultivate a deeper appreciation within ourselves. Allow yourself to "gush" with emotion when you think about your loved ones. Feel love through your whole body and let it exude from you. Do this as many times as the day will allow. You will soon feel a deeper appreciation of your loved one-perhaps more importantly, so will your loved one.

And now that you have a deeper appreciation, you will be in a better place to anticipate your lover's needs and wants. Instead of merely giving your special-someone a meaningless gift, you can create a shared experience that will be as unique, and special, as the one you love.

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

First find Love Within Yourself

2010-01-28T17:07:00.000-08:00

We often romanticize this time of year with notions of "True Love." We hold some fantasy in our mind that our soulmate is "out there" somewhere. Some of us have been fortunate enough to find our soul mates. To that lucky portion of society, nothing needs to be taught, save that we should aspire to let that person know how deeply you care for them. But for those of you who will be out looking for that special someone to share this Valentine's Day with, I offer these humble words of advice.

First, we must be able to love ourselves, before we can love another. Consider "Self-Love" as the training course to finding a soulmate. Until we can love ourselves, it will be difficult for us to allow others to love us. Have you ever been in a relationship with a wonderful person and found yourself sabotaging it. Somewhere in your being, you had difficulty allowing yourself to be rewarded with the love of another. We must find the means to accept ourselves for who we are, even with our imperfections. And perhaps we should realize that our soulmate will not be perfect neither, so we needn't be either. Which brings me to the next point.

Do not expect your soulmate to be perfect. Very few of us are secure enough to connect intimately with an Ascended Master. Besides, they rarely have a desire for romantic relations anyhow. We know that being flawed is part of human existence. The trick is to be honest with yourself regarding which kinds of flaws you are willing to live with, and which flaws are a deal breaker. Also keep in mind that each flaw may have different degrees, some you may tolerate while others you may not. For instance, we all enjoy a good looking partner who has confidence in his/her appearance. But do we really want someone who is so obsessed with the way that they look, that they spend 3 hours every day preening? Perhaps that would not bother you, as long as they refrain from insisting that you do the same. I am not saying that either of those attributes are flaws, but others may think so. Whatever you levels of tolerance are, be honest with yourself. Otherwise you are only going to be setting yourself into relationships which will eventually fall apart.

We should also be aware that many of the "positive" traits that we look for in people quite often carry with them a corresponding "less-desirable" trait. I can't tell you how many women I have counseled that claim to want a man with a strong build. Then they complain because he spends so much time in the gym, or he is constantly staring at himself in the mirror while flexing. Or how many men tell me they want a women who is beautiful, yet they are annoyed at the time she spends getting ready in the morning and then they get insanely jealous whenever other guys look at her. Very often these traits that we are looking for in our mates are a reflection of some need that we cloak deep within ourselves. If we can get to the root of that need, sometimes we can alter our desire to find that in a mate. We are then free to avoid any of the "less-desirable" consequences.

The Law of Attraction tells us that we should focus on what we want. Send that intention out, and it will return with our desire. That is indeed a good start. But many of us need to train our minds to only focus on what we DO want. And we all need to develop the habit of taking action to bring it to pass. So this Valentine's Day, determine what it is that is TRULY important. Seek it out. Then allow it to happen.

Quit thinking of elephants

2010-01-13T11:21:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been told, "Don't think of an elephant?" What happens...well we fixate our thoughts on elephants. Of course we have all struggled with this child's game. My introduction to it was quite infuriating actually. I remember that my friend was trying to convince me that he could control my mind. With a few simple words, he crushed my world. He challenged me to avoid doing what he told me to do, and then he gave me the command....

"Think of an elephant."

Immediately a picture of a large elephant, the kind we would see in the circus, popped into my head. I remember my Self-Talk countering with, "No, don't think of an elephant." But no matter how many times I told myself, and no matter how much conviction I put behind my Self-Talk, whenever I thought the words, "Don't think of an elephant," that circus star always filled my mind.

I was furious at my weakness. How could I let someone else (another child nonetheless) control my mind so easily. So I went home, and like most children, I sought the aid of my father. After telling him about the disempowering events of the day, he gave me a warm, compassionate smile and told me:

"Think of a mouse instead."

Flash! Bang! Pop! All of a sudden the image of an elephant had been chased away by this tiny little field mouse. And from that moment on, the boy from down the street would have no control over my mind (at least not so directly).

How often do we fixate on the things we are trying to avoid? As I work with clients on achievement, it never ceases to amaze me how prevalent this is.

I want to quit smoking.
I don't want to eat sugary foods.
I want to avoid drinking alcohol.

Unfortunately, when we trying to think of the things we are trying to avoid, our mind has to first think of engaging in the item. Neurological studies have shown that the brain has to activate the behavior in order to try to negate it. Unfortunately, each activation is reinforcing the negative behavior! Instead we should try to find constructive, healthy alternatives to the behavior that we are trying to avoid, and focus on that as a means of achieving the emotional fulfillment that the negative behavior was trying to satiate. Using the previous statements as examples, they could be reworded as these goals:

I breathe only clean air deeply and calmingly into my lungs.
I eat only healthy foods which nourish my body.
I drink warm cups of tea in order to relax at the end of the day.

Of course if the emotional reasons for using the destructive substances was different, we could also write the affirmations differently to address those core needs. The point is we need to give our mind and activity it can engage in.

It is just like having a young child who wants to play with a forbidden object. When we take the object away from the child and tell him that he cannot play with it. What is the first thing that he does? He tries to get it and play with it again. No matter how many times we tell the child, "Do not play with that!" we are indeed commanding his mind to play with it. If we however give the child another object which he can play with, and give him permission to "Play with this." then his mind will switch over to the new object, and the struggle is over.

So, the next time you find yourself fixating on an unwanted behavior, just remember the solution is to:

Think of a mouse!

New Years Resolutions

2009-12-30T11:24:00.000-08:00

Now that we are past the holidays, the year pulls to a close. For many this is a time for deep reflection. For some it is a time to tally their set-backs and successes. Most of us however take some time to look ahead to the New Year with a bit of optimism as we ponder what we would like to accomplish.

How resolute are you to accomplish your goals during the coming year. For most people, their New Years Resolutions are something that they would "like" or "hope" that they can accomplish. However, without the commitment and desire behind it, the goal becomes more of a "want" than a resolution. To be resolute about something is to be determined and unwavering. Imagine if our American Founding Fathers and Mothers had committed themselves to be merely "hopeful" for their Independence. Surely the task of starting a new, noble nation would have failed without a strong resolve. The nation had to be resolute in their desires and efforts in order to accomplish their revolution.

Isn't the American Revolution an overly dramatic example. After all, aren't we just trying to get a new job, lose weight, quit smoking, etc. Surely those goals aren't as significant as starting a new nation, are they? YES! They are every bit as significant! Indeed, most New Years Resolutions require even more resolve in order to accomplish, because they deal with addiction of some sort (whether cigarettes, food, relationships, acceptance....). Indeed every significant New Years Resolution requires a Revolution of the Mind and your thinking in order to accomplish. Otherwise, it wouldn't require a significant statement as a New Years Resolution. The Revolution of the Mind that is required is often deeper than people look. We must ask ourselves:

"What does ..... do for me? Why do I ....?"

Then we must find healthy, constructive activities which will provide whatever it was that leads us to engage in the unwanted behavior. Throughout nearly a decade of coaching, I have noticed that every unwanted behavior has multiple positive behaviors that will fill the same emotional/physical need. We just need to dig and find them. At first glance, it may appear that the positive behavior is harder, or takes more time than the unwanted behavior; however with a little practice, we often find that the positive behavior is actually more efficient than the unwanted behavior. For example, I was coaching someone who wanted to quit smoking. She admitted that while most of the time she smoked cigarettes out of habit, a bit of digging uncovered that she was smoking to relieve stress or anxiety. It was a source of relaxation. I was certain that even though she had to learn how to relax and reduce stress through mental/physical exercises, she would eventually find it more efficient than smoking. Ahhh, but smoking a cigarette only takes a few minutes, and the relief begins after a very short amount of time. However, if we add in the amount of time that it takes to buy the cigarettes, earn the money that is required to purchase the cigarettes, find a place where you can smoke, and the time you will spend sick or in the hospital as a result of smoking, then it really isn't that quick of a fix. I have found that after a very brief amount of time, relaxation techniques can allow people to cope with stressful situations within seconds - without any unhealthy side-effects. We should all be careful when we calculate how effective a tool is, that we include ALL of the costs of using that tool. We often discount the costs and inflate the benefits of addictive substances.

So while you are pondering what New Years Resolutions you want to accomplish, please feel inspired to GO BIG! Revolutionize your thinking by determining what will need to change in your thinking and your habits, and find healthy ways to enact that change. For more techniques on changing your thoughts and habits, sift through my blog for previous articles. And feel free to check out my website for products that are designed to revolutionize your thinking and habits: www.Mindful-Measures.com.

Have a Happy New Years!

Advanced Affirmation Techniques

2009-10-21T17:11:00.000-07:00

Many of us have discovered the amazing benefits we receive when we use positive affirmations daily. The purpose of today's post is to give a few examples of things we can to do ramp up the effectiveness of the affirmations we use.

1. Make your affirmations command-based. - Instead of simply reciting a state of being you wish to exhibit, try telling your subconscious to be that way. In other words instead of using an affirmation such as "I am powerful and in control," try stating "I feel powerful and in control at all times." By using this tip, you give your subconscious a command that tells it what to do. Your subconscious can be effectively commanded...just ask any advertiser. I am amazed at how many affirmation videos and product on the market overlook this tool.

2. Make your affirmation commands present tense. - The only time you want to use any tense other than present-tense, is when it is part of an emotional state or conditioning you do not want to reinforce. Any statement which is present-tense tends to be reinforced within your subconscious mind. An example of a good affirmation which displays this technique is, "Whenever I'm feeling anxious, I breathe slowly and deeply for a few minutes." Notice how I am not instilling anxious feelings. I am however instilling the habit to breathe slowly and deeply with this affirmation.

3. Create infinite loops. - This tool I pilfered from computer programming. In computer coding, programmers get into trouble when they use infinite loops, as they cause the program or computer to get stuck, or crash. Essentually an infinite loop is a series of commands that lead to each other with no way out. So, if we place the following commands - if A then B; if B then C; if C then A - we can see how the computer would continue processing A-B-C-A-B-C-A-B-C... on and on. While this may be unfortunate in computer programming, it is great in programming our Self-Talk. For example, we could say, "I visualize my goals every morning. When I visualize my goals, I can take action to achieve my goals easily. Whenever I take action to achieve my goals, then I feel deeply confident with ease. When I feel deeply confident, then I visualize my goals vividly." You can see how once you enter into this loop, you would find yourself constantly feeling confident and thinking about your goals. Do you see how this could help you see opportunities to accomplish your goals that you might have otherwise overlooked? This was a simple chain of four commands. The can have as few as two and as many as you want- although I have found that limiting it to seven is the most effective. The affirmations that are part of the infinite loop chain do not have to be stated consecutively. You can also have multiple affirmations that lead into the loop, and they can enter the loop at various points (eg: A-->B, B-->D, C-->D, D-->A).

These are just a few of the advanced affirmation techniques that you will find on Mindful Measures. They are techniques that I have used with great effect for nearly a decade. I hope you find them useful.

-Josh
www.Mindful-Measures.com

The Truth Behind "The Secret"

2009-10-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

It seems as though there are more and more people touting the value of the book and movie, The Secret. My first gut reaction after watching the movie, was that it seemed like merely an introduction to the Law of Attraction. Now I admit that I did not yet read the book, which is unusual for me, as I am more of a book-person. My opinion of the movie however was in accord with many people's opinion of the book. While The Secret seems to be a great tidbit for introducing the mainstream public to the concept of "The Law of Attraction," there are important pieces to the skills of achieving abundance that must also be taught.

Writings going back thousands of years speak to the ability to manifest through meditation. As we can see variations of meditation in every world religion. The most obvious is the meditations of the Buddhist or Yogic traditions. But we also see influences in the prayers and chanting of Hebrew, Christian, Muslim, and Hindu religions. Even the so-called "native" religious practices found throughout every continent include chanting and prayers. And we also see vestiges of this ancient practice in the "New-Age" practice of reciting Affirmations. So what is the power that these meditative practices invoke?

Ancient writings speak of the ability to manifest by creating on "higher planes." I would need to create an entirely new blog line in order to expound properly on this topic, and even then would be found ineffectual. But let me say here that manifestation on the mental and astral planes can have tremendous effects for us, even on the physical plane. However, as I wish to address those who are new to the "Law of Attraction," that is to say those who found The Secret to be brilliant and revolutionary, I will address the issue from a more physical plane level.

If you are like most people, you need practical information and tools. Meats and potatoes. Something calls to you to accept what The Secret speaks of, but how do we make it work? Well, here is how...

An essential part of the "Law of Attraction" is the effect that it has on a person to bring oneself into accord with what they want to accomplish. I know that if I want to attract healthy relationships, then I need to be willing to open up and relate with others. The "Law of Attraction" also rests upon your ability to focus your intention. By causing you to think about a goal you want to accomplish, you will begin to recognize opportunities and take action towards achieving your goal. That portion is more accurately referred to as the "Law of Focus" and the "Law of Action."

This has dramatic implications on what we do to harness the "Law of Attraction." When you pray, meditate, or recite affirmations you must be very mindful to what you are focusing on. You should be careful to focus on what you want, rather than what you don't. If one focuses on what they do not want, they create that. In the least, they recognize whenever if appears in their life. Often times however, people go further and project what they do not want onto situations where it never even existed. It would be far better to focus on what you do want. That way you recognize the abundance in your life. And if we are going to project something that isn't there, is it not better to project something positive?

Music for Memory Enhancement

2009-09-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

In the midst of global Cold War, two forces are locked in an epic struggle for power. The stakes are high. The winner will dominate the world economy for decades to come. Deep within the heart of the Soviet empire, a scientist made a discovery which would come to change the world of learning.

Georgi Lazanov, MD, was charged with the task of uncovering ways to improve the education of Soviet children. His work would lead to a break-through revelation. Although his discovery would not enable the Soviets to win the Cold-War, his contribution to education would serve the World.

Pulling on his expertise in Raja Yoga, Georgi Lazanov, MD had discovered that certain styles of music could enhance brain functioning. Vedic teaching, the source of Yogic practices, has pulled on the use of music to create enhanced mental states for thousands of years. Dr. Lazanov drew from this tradition when he published his studies that showed that certain pieces of Baroque music could boost memory retention dramatically. The pieces that led to dramatic improvements in memory were noted to pace at 60 beats per minute. Later studies would demonstrate similar memory enhancement with other genres of music that also contained a 60 beats per minute structure.

Some of the brightest minds in Western culture made it a habit to listen to Classical music regularly. Most of us have heard that listening to Classical music while studying can improve grades in school. The key though, is not just to listen to Classical music. It is to listen to specific pieces of Classical music. In order to dramatically increase your memory proficiency, you should listen to music with 60 beats per minute. This is one of many critical tools we utilize in Mindful Measures in order to boost retention rates by nearly 10x's. Try our products today and you will join a new wave of people who are experiencing remarkable results.

Affirmations for change

2009-09-22T12:55:00.000-07:00

My first exposure to Affirmations was during a Saturday Night Live skit. I will never forget how silly Al Franken's character, Stuart Smalley, made them seem. The overly sensitive character would simply look at himself in the mirror and recite his mantra - "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me." Somehow, in making affirmations funny, Al Franken was making it easy for me and many others to build resistance to the power of repeating daily affirmations.

It wasn't until five years later, when I was starting my career in real estate that I learned how beneficial it can be to use affirmations regularly. One of the most personally rewarding aspects of a career in real estate is the glaring realities of one's strengths and weaknesses. In a very short period of time, I was able to ascertain what traits I needed to work on. Fortunately, a dear mentor of mine loaned me a personal development program which espoused the benefits of reciting affirmations daily. Of course I immediately thought of those Saturday Night Live skits from all those years ago. Fortunately I realized that one of the affirmations I would need to use would have to address the resistance I adopted towards using them. The end result was that the affirmations not only overcame my resistance to using affirmations, but they also helped me become more confident, outgoing, charismatic, attentive, and most importantly more successful.

Here's the deal - we all have Self-Talk. If your Self-Talk is in need of improvement, then daily affirmations will help change your inner voice. When written properly, and engineered the way we have at Mindful Measures, affirmations will be the most efficient means to change your thoughts for good. I have seen great success with the affirmation techniques used in Mindful Measures. So have many of my clients. I encourage you to try Mindful Measures today!

Self-Talk

2009-03-03T17:57:00.000-08:00

So, what is “Self-Talk?”

Every one of us has an internal dialogue that encourages or discourages us from doing something. It tells us to eat the chocolate cake because cake tastes good. Then, minutes later, it will tell us we are too fat to fit into that nice outfit that we just bought. For many of us, our Self-Talk has an opinion about everything. Sometimes those opinions make us feel good and sometimes they result in our feeling bad. While Self-Talk starts off as our minds way of vocalizing our emotional experience, it often because an amplifier to whatever emotion we are experiencing. See if this picture looks familiar…

Just the other day, I was feeling a bit lethargic. The weather was raining and I was trapped in the house. Now I am one of those people who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which essentially means bad weather can result in my feeling depressed. While mulling around the house, I started to think about how nothing seemed to be going my way. The weather wasn’t cooperating. The bills were piling up. The economy was in the tank. My brain was pulling out all sorts of statements to support the mood I was feeling. My Self-Talk was running around like a new puppy, and it was crapping all over my perspective. Fortunately, I recognized what was going on and threw on the Mindful Measures program “Live in Joy.” In just a few minutes, I was able to adopt a positive mood. I was soon thinking thoughts like, “I take stock of my blessings every day.”

Here’s the rub:

You can control your thoughts by taking very specific steps. And in so doing adopt a positive perspective at will. It all starts with that pesky Self-Talk. Like a new puppy, all your Self-Talk needs is a bit of training. It’s really not hard to swap your old patterns with new ones that work for you. It’s just that our old patterns have developed over a very long time, and with multiple repetitions. So we need to be very efficient and effective about how we go about changing our Self-Talk patterns.

The reality is, we all have Self-Talk. The question is, does yours work for you?

Intro

2009-02-17T17:44:00.000-08:00

This blog will be where I talk about the tools and science behind the Mindful Measures program. I will be speaking from time to time on NLP, Superlearning, Affirmations, Mental Constructs, the influence of World-Views, and how to pro-actively manage it all. I will of course encourage you all to go to the website www.mindful-measures.com to sample and purchase CD's which pertain to the area of your belief system that you would like to improve. I hope you find this blog helpful.